Diary of a Thriving Mum

Before You Say “I Do”—Know Yourself First

If I’m being completely honest with myself, I had my fair share of faults in the failure of my marriage. But the biggest? I ignored the signs.

I saw things. Felt them. My gut whispered warnings. But I didn’t pause. I didn’t check if these were things I could truly live with for the rest of my life. Instead, I dismissed them because, well—he was my friend. And friends don’t hurt each other, right?

I believed that no matter what, we could talk things through. No matter how big or small the issue, we’d figure it out. What I failed to realize was that marriage doesn’t fix red flags—it amplifies them. Red flags don’t stay flags; they become red maps, leading you straight into emotional chaos.

Take emotional availability, for example.

From the beginning, my ex wasn’t the kind of person to express his feelings. I knew this. Even something as small as a phone call felt like a grand romantic gesture coming from him. And silly me? I convinced myself that he just needed to learn. That he wasn’t used to being in a relationship and, with time, he’d change and honestly there was so much improvement, but you can’t change anyone.

Fast forward to my pregnancy. We were in different locations, and all I needed was words. Emotions. Some form of reassurance. But even that felt like too much to ask. It was “hard” for him. He felt I was being too demanding, and maybe—just maybe—he was right. I had always known he wasn’t an emotional person. So why was I suddenly expecting an emotional partner? Just because I am pregnant? lol!

That’s when it hit me.

I didn’t truly know myself.

I hadn’t realized that while I love serving the people I care about, and giving without expecting in return, when it came to a romantic relationship as serious as a marriage, I desperately wanted someone who would pour into me, too. Someone who would nurture me the way I nurtured them.

I remember one argument so vividly. I had shut down emotionally. Stopped caring. Stopped helping him with anything. I simply treated him the way he had been treating me.

He was furious. “You’re being intentionally wicked,” he said.

And I replied, “So it hurts? Why are you mad? This is exactly how you treat me.”

His response? “Well, I’m not doing it on purpose. That’s just how I am. But you? You’re not like this, so you’re doing it to be mean.”

Even though that was some next-level manipulation, there was truth in what he said. He was simply being himself. I just didn’t realize how bad it would be in a marriage. As friends, it was tolerable. As a couple, it was unbearable. And now? We don’t even speak.

I wish I had known myself better before ever thinking about marriage.

I love love. The grand, movie-type love. Not because I’m unrealistic, but because that’s how I learned love growing up and thats how I love to show them too. I love waking up to notes. Spontaneous gestures that show me that you are thinking of me. I don’t like asking for things; I just want them to be given because someone knows me that well. And yet, I chose a partner for whom even saying “I love you” was an initial struggle.

My last birthday we had, I was pregnant and I started begging-literally on-my-knees type of begging him about 2 months before to write me a note on my birthday. Yes, you read that right, just a NOTE, no gifts, no surprises. Guess what??? (did you say what! lool you like gist). On my birthday, he got upset at me for not understanding that he was in a bad place and couldn’t write anything.

What a time!

If you’re single, please—take the time to truly know yourself. Not the version of you shaped by your upbringing, past relationships, or loneliness. The real you. Because when you know yourself, you choose differently. And you save yourself (and the other person) years of unnecessary heartbreak.

And if you’ve already been through it, before you step into another relationship, pause. Evaluate. Where did you miss it? What patterns do you need to break? Don’t let emotions or loneliness drive you back into a situation that will drain you.

No matter where you are in your journey, forgive yourself.

People will talk. Opinions will fly. Some will ask, “Didn’t you see the signs?” And the truth is—you probably did. You just didn’t think they were that big of a deal. But now you know better.

Let go. Heal. Be strong.

Bitterness won’t serve you—it will only hold you back.

And if you ever need to talk, my DMs (@ifeoluwaaaa) are always open.

XOXO,
Ife